Tools & Thier Uses

[Exit98]

Hope this hasn't been posted before.

Inspired by the recent Haynes Manual Guide posted in the new members section, I offer you this guide to automotive tools:

From Peter Egan, one of the best automotive journalists and humorists around. His monthly column in R & T is always a delight:


TOOL AND THEIR USES
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it whirls like a lawnmower blade, smacking your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted tractor part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint and rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned wrenching calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age but can also be used to scratch painted sheet metal in random patterns as you attempt to drill a hole.

PLIERS: Used to grip objects with not quite enough force. Also used to round off bolt heads and give you a mighty pinch when they slip off.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads too but with much greater results. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles. They are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes but just can't part ways with because you harbor a silly belief that someday you may actually use them.

BREAKER BAR: As the name implies, used to break sockets and extensions, not for loosening stubborn bolts and nuts as one would think.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake pads, effectively trapping the jacks handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack or more sockets.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing those tiny metal splinters that cannot be seen with the naked human eye but can cause enough discomfort for you to try anyway.

GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise. Used mainly for getting dog doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: Really, it's large pry bar that coincidently has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TIN SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth, sometimes called a drop light. It is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips head screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by an unusually stiff hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts over tightened 58 years ago by someone named Hank, and quickly and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to mangle the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, tarps, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, pension checks, antiques, and expensive rubber or plastic parts.

TORQUE WRENCH: Used to tighten bolts to a desired setting but continues to do so even after you have removed the wrench so that in the future you find it now requires more torque to remove that said bolt than what the wrench could have ever supplied.

FLASHLIGHT: Device used for storing dead batteries.

[courtenay]

Sadly, I have most of these tools!! Hilarious, Doug. Thanks for posting it.

[lanciahf]

Thanks Doug! I needed that. Egan has a great gift!

[Foster48x]

Good one! I pulled the ole wire wheel projectile trick just a little while ago.

Rick

[grittracing]

That was great ! i was having a bad day and read that and it was better.I laughed through every line. mostly becuase every one of them are true and i have done everyone of them. thanks for sharing.

[mdrburchette]

OMG! I've been using these tools correctly all these years! Thanks for the confirmation.

[baltobernie]

Hilarious!